Skipping Stone

Well, it's certainly been a while since I posted. I guess this is what happens when you're an epic procrastinator, and a lot of stuff happens to you all at once. Long story short: I got a new job, it's not the greatest but it's an improvement, I'm still struggling with the angsty junk I had back in February, and I still haven't written any fiction because, as I said, I'm an epic procrastinator. So what momentous event finally inspired me enough to go back to my long-neglected blog?

Rain.

Yes, rain.

The weather's been quite unusual lately. It's late October, but just a few days ago it was 80° and sunny, and had been for several weeks. It's normal to have an Indian Summer where I live, but not one that's this warm and lasts for so long. We were all going around in shorts and t-shirts, and I had to make two trips to the closet every morning to put away the jacket I instinctually grabbed on the way out. Not bad for the last bit of sunshine before winter.

Of course it wouldn't last, and I knew we were in for some serious storms when that first blast of arctic air finally came through. So I wasn't really surprised when I woke up Tuesday morning to a gray sky and lots of rain. I decided to keep the jacket. It was soaked by the time I got to work, and the rain still hadn't let up by lunchtime. If anything, it was coming down even harder.

Thankfully, there was little wind, but it was a lot colder than it had been in recent days, and the water just kept pouring down steadily. It came down on the asphalt of the parking lot, draining slowly so that it flowed like a shallow river across the surface of the lot. I just looked at it for a while, watching little waves and currents as the flow moved quickly one way, then stopped and changed direction as another gust came through. I could have watched for hours.

It was still raining when I reached the plaza, and I ran a little faster than usual to reach the overhang in front of the stores. The sub shop was surprisingly empty, so it didn't take long to get my food. (A small grilled Godfather sub, light oil, extra honey mustard, lettuce, tomato, sweet peppers, and provolone on Everything bread.) A friend of mine was working behind the counter. She told me to make it stop raining. I told her I liked it this way. She laughed and gave me a funny look.

I have depression, anxiety, and OCD. I've known this for several years, and I used to take medication for it, but had to quickly discontinue treatment due to a lack of insurance. I solved that problem some time ago, but I've been reluctant to go back on the medication. I think I was, on some level, afraid of what it might do to me.

These disorders are, whether I like it or not, part of my identity. If I suppress them, I'll be altering a fundamental aspect of who I am. What would that do to me? Without my depression, will I lose my capacity for quiet contemplation? Without my anxiety, will I lose my only source of motivation? Without my OCD, will I lose my attentiveness to detail? Where is the line between personality and pathology? This cure comes with a heavy price. I think I felt that I would be giving up on myself if I took the medication. Is a little bit of happiness worth throwing away part of my personality?

Now I realize that it doesn't matter. If these are aspects of my personality, they are of the least significant. Most of myself has been locked away inside my head for many years, unable to be expressed in any meaningful way. Even I don't know all that's in there, but on rare occasions I'll get a glimpse of it. I like what I've seen. There are things in there that I've been yearning for, things I'll need in the future, and it's time they were released. If I have to throw away the part of me that is their cage, I will.

It's time to meet me.

I think I'm finally going to do it.

For the last four years, I've been stuck in a high-stress retail job with crappy pay and little possibility of advancement. It sucks, and constantly dreading the approach of my next shift definitely isn't helping me deal with my depression. Of course I never expected it to be this way; I only took the job so I could pay off my student loans and save up enough money to continue my education. Unfortunately, paying off my loans took longer than expected, and the frequent repairs to my junk car prevented me from building up my savings. I eventually got a newer, better maintained car, but that one also required frequent repairs. Then the engine blew up, so I said "screw this!" and bought myself something with five-digit mileage. "Goodbye student loans, hello car payment! Now I'll be stuck in this crappy job forever!"

It's been very frustrating. I can't get ahead staying where I am, but the stress and my depression sap the energy I need to do anything about it. I've been wondering what it would take to change my situation; am I failing becausing I'm not angry enough to push aside the obstacles, or do I just need some good event to lift me over them?

I may have gotten both. There's a call center nearby that's looking to hire a lot of people soon. I already know some of the people that work there, and they all say good things about the place. They get regular hours, longer breaks, better pay, weekends and major holidays off, etc. Even better, they have an IT department. While I'm no expert on computers, I'm technically adept enough that I could probably work there with a little training. And the best part? All of their employees look happy. They're not strung out like my coworkers or myself.

I must admit that I'm a little nervous. I may have four years of experience in customer service, but I'm still very much an introvert. I'm not entirely sure that a call center job will be a better fit for me, no matter how much I try to convince myself. I could try for an IT position, but all of my computer knowledge is self taught. I know there are a lot of gaps in that knowledge, and I don't know how to fill them without special training or further education (that I can't afford yet). It's possible I'm greatly misunderstanding the nature of IT work, but I really don't think I know enough to do it yet. What worries me most, however, is the fact that right now, this is my only lead. If I don't get a job with this company, I'll be stuck at my current job with no idea of what to do next.

Still, I've made up my mind to submit my resume. I'll just be honest about my experience, and let them decide if I'm qualified enough to work there. After all, they're the only ones who know for sure. All I know is that it's well past time I moved on, and if I don't do something to get out of this rut, I'll just fall deeper into depression until I break down.

Wish me luck.

Every once in a while, you'll come across a movie or a book or some other creative work that really inspires you. It will likely be something that didn't really impress any of your friends. Maybe it will be something strange, or a little bit silly, and you certainly won't expect to be knocked to the floor in amazement. But that's what happens, whether you wanted it or not. It hits you like an illness, sticking in your mind, changing your way of thinking, and coloring your perception for days before the obsession finally begins to fade. But it never leaves you completely. The memories, the feelings, the impression is still there, even if they've grown a little fuzzier with time. Inspiring works change you forever.

I found an inspiring work. It's strange, a little bit silly, and I never expected it to still be with me five days later. Yet here I am, writing about it for my first real blog entry.

The work in question is Doukutsu Monogatari, also known as Cave Story. It's a little Japanese freeware game about an amnesiac who wakes up in a cave, wanders into a village full of strange bunny-dog creatures, and is soon caught up in their struggle for survival. It's also a 2-D sidescrolling platformer done in the style of an 8-bit NES game, from the simple sprite-based graphics to the bleepy chiptune music and retro gameplay. And it's awesome.

The gameplay is a lot like the Metroid and Castevania series' of games. You wander around exploring, shoot anything that looks dangerous, and eventually find your way through the world. What makes Cave Story interesting, however, is the way the storyline is gradually revealed to you as you play. You start out knowing nothing of the world and the events surrounding it, and you have to piece it all together from the little scraps of information you find. It's really amazing how all the little troubling inconsistencies work out in the end, but some revelations require special effort.

I thought I would play this game for fifteen minutes before I got bored and moved on. I'm not really a fan of platformers, after all. So it was quite a surprise when I next looked at the clock and realized three hours had gone by. This happened every night until I beat the game, and I still haven't had enough. I know I missed a few things, and I heard there's a secret level and a secret ending to find, as well. I fear I won't get anything done for weeks.

Did I mention the music? It reminds me of all the old Mega Man tunes I held up as examples of the finest music ever to grace a videogame, and it surpasses them all. There's even a remix project, and I've been listening to their work extensively over the past few days.

Maybe it's not your style, but I've included a sample of my favorite tune from the soundtrack. It's just one example of how this game is so perfectly polished in every way; I honestly can't think of a single way it could be improved. Go play it. Maybe it'll get stuck in your head, too.

Moonsong

Hello. Welcome to my blog. Perhaps you've followed me here from my previous home, G-blog. Or perhaps you've stumbled upon this place by chance. Regardless of the means, please allow me to introduce myself, and say a bit about who I am and why I came here.

In this place, I call myself Nouki. This is not my real name, but it holds some significance for me. When I imagine what a Nouki is like, I picture a person who is young, easygoing, and a little bit confused by the realities of life. In other words, a person very much like me.

Nouki is also a Finnish word meaning, "to pick or gather", and this is largely what I intend to do here. This is a place where I can gather together all my little obsessions, all those thoughts and ideas that I just can't let go of. It is also a place where I can simply pass along a few of the more interesting things I've picked up in my travels. If you were hoping for something revolutionary, you're probably in the wrong place.

At the time of this entry, I am in a state of transition. G-blog, my previous home and one of the most wonderful and supportive communities you'll ever find out here, is shutting down in a few days. Once again I find myself wandering, with no place to call my own. Perhaps I have already found a new home here, perhaps not. Time will tell. More importantly, this has prompted some necessary reflection. I spent some time this week reading through all of my previous entries over the past few years, and I didn't like what I saw. The problems I was dealing with three years ago are the same problems I'm dealing with now. Have I not grown in all this time? Have I overcome nothing? I realize now that it is good for these things to pass away. It is time for me to start anew, and I resolve that when I look back upon this place, many years from now, I will feel joy and not regret.

You're welcome to come along for the ride. It may be a little bumpy, but at least we're moving now.

When I was little, my father would sometimes take me down to a small park by the lake. We would walk along the rocky shore together, talking while I watched the waves or ran ahead to look at the weird red stuff growing in a tiny inlet. Sometimes we didn't talk at all, probably because I was too interested in the red stuff and my father was tired of answering difficult questions like, "Why is this beach made out of rocks instead of sand?" or, "Why does the lake smell like dead fish?" and sometimes, "Why are half of these rocks red, while the other half are light grey, and how did this one get to be both?"

What I remember most vividly, however, are the skipping stones. My father liked to try and teach me, and I always asked him to. Find a stone that's small and flat and round. Place it in your hand and curl your finger around the edge just like this, then throw it like this, and just as you're about to let go, snap your wrist like that! And I would watch in amazement as a little stone soared out over the water, skipping six, seven, or a dozen times before the water finally captured it. I never quite got the hang of it myself, and I eventually just handed the stones to my father to throw. But whenever I find myself on a rocky beach, I still send out a few stones and hope.

So why have I just spent two paragraphs reminiscing about my childhood? Because, ultimately, all of this is about a skipping stone. I am cast out over the water, tasting flight yet also fearing submersion. I just want to stay above water. Got to keep moving; can't slow down or I'll sink. And then I start to fall, and the water's coming up so fast. I'm so scared, I don't think I'll make it, but then I hit and I'm still moving, thankful that this time wasn't the end. A little higher now. If I can just... Just a little higher and I can...

Soar.

In a few days, my old blog will cease to exist. The owner of the site it's hosted on no longer has the time to maintain a site containing a few hundred blogs, so everything goes away at the end of the month. It's sad to see it happen, and it's hard to say goodbye to friends you've known for years, but everyone goes their own way eventually. I knew this day would come, and I am ready to move on.

I have found a new place to make my home. I will start anew. I will not forget that which came before, but no longer will I let it burden me. And maybe, some of those friends will find their way back to me. Maybe I'll have posted something happy by then. Good news, perhaps, or just evidence of changes for the better. Maybe I'll do better this time. Maybe I'll...

Soar.

BEGIN CHAPTER 2